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LINCICOME: Sifting through Super Bowl hype

Published January 30, 2009 at 8:21 p.m.

Steelers safety Troy Polamalu waves to spectators after winning the AFC championship against the Ravens.

Steelers safety Troy Polamalu waves to spectators after winning the AFC championship against the Ravens.

In order to pick a Super Bowl winner, it is always necessary to distinguish the hype from the truth.

Hype: Favored to win a sixth Super Bowl, the Steelers are the model dynasty for all sports teams, more humble than the Yankees, more grounded than the Lakers, more American than the Red Wings.

Truth: More unified than the Illinois state legislature.

Hype: The recession has left this city empty of big spenders and happy fans, making the place seem like a weekend in Minsk.

Truth: The stretch limousines are Segways.

Hype: Part of this is because Arizona does not travel well and Steelers fans' unemployment checks don't arrive until Monday.

Truth: Even the Roman numerals are lowercase - xliii.

Hype: So far, the biggest celebrity planning to attend this Super Bowl is Kevin Costner.

Truth: Kevin Spacey. Or maybe Kevin Bacon.

Hype: Pittsburgh feels it has gained its seventh Super Bowl because it has worked very hard and has, in the words of coach Mike Tomlin, "matched resolution with opportunity."

Truth: Pittsburgh thinks you can tell how good the wine is by how hard the top is to unscrew.

Hype: Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt has the inside edge on the Steelers because he was a coordinator there and worked very closely with quarterback Ben Roethlisber- ger.

Truth: Like a cashier with a bag boy.

Hype: To counter the mojo of the famous Pittsburgh Terrible Towels, the Cardinals are bringing Whiners Washcloths.

Truth: In fanny packs.

Hype: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band has replaced Aerosmith as the house band of the Super Bowl, and what's more, the Boss is a Steelers fan.

Truth: In the Boss' own words: "Them smokestacks reached like the arms of God into a beautiful sky of soot and clay."

Hype: The Cardinals' full-out offense will overwhelm the Steelers' rock 'em, sock 'em defense.

Truth: Only if Troy Polamalu gets the first-down chain stuck in his hair.

Hype: The Colorado Factor favors Pittsburgh, since the Steelers have two Colorado college players on their active roster and the Cardinals have none.

Truth: Not something the Steelers want known.

Hype: Pittsburgh and Arizona are both unappealing beyond their own town limits, leaving the rest of us to anticipate the commercials, which have also been reduced or eliminated altogether, including that spooky talking baby.

Truth: FedEx and General Motors are just having a few friends over.

Hype: The AFC is the gravel-gutted, nail-chewing, head-breaking, take-no-prisoners conference and the NFC does its own gardening.

Truth: Absolutely true.

Hype: Forgoing politics, President Obama has said outright that he wants the Steelers to win the Super Bowl.

Truth: He will watch from the official Oval Office beanbag chair.

Hype: The two franchises actually joined together in 1944 and became the Card-Pitts, but because they did not win a game all season, they were called the Car-pets.

Truth: Or Area Rugs, in some places.

Hype: Injured Pittsburgh receiver Hines Ward will play, even if his right leg is amputated.

Truth: And every bit as well.

Hype: The Super Bowl makes the teams; the teams do not make the Super Bowl.

Truth: Or Arizona would still be pruning its cactuses.

Hype: The Steelers only have to stop one player (Larry Fitzgerald) and the Cardinals have to overcome every facet of the Steelers mystique, from the Immaculate Reception to the Rooney Rule.

Truth: The Steel Curtain is now the Steel Hedge.

Hype: Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson will sing the national anthem.

Truth: Her lips will move.

Hype: The most astonishing thing said during Super Bowl week was by Santonio Holmes, Pittsburgh receiver. "In my hometown (Belle Glade, Fla.), we don't have a Wal-Mart, a Target. There are maybe two grocery stores, no movie theaters, no mall. There isn't really anything to do, so all you're going to do is chase rabbits, go to school and play football, or you're going to stand on the corner and sell drugs."

Truth: It was said not here but in California: "The eighth baby was a surprise to the parents and doctors who had been expecting only seven children."

Hype: So unfamiliar with large amounts of water is Arizona that when it saw Tampa Bay, it asked who left the sprinklers on.

Truth: Kurt Warner confessed and said he was sorry.

Hype: The Cardinals are upset because all the critics, columnists, pundits and talk-show nits think they do not stand a chance against the Steelers.

Truth: They are upset because we are right. Pittsburgh 30, Arizona 17.

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