I've been trying to wrap my mind around this newfangled notion of celebrities going into rehab as a form of career redemption. I don't buy it.

There was a time when public figures had a phalanx of publicists whose job was to keep their transgressions out of the paper. It's harder to get away with things in this age of the Internet, camera phones and stalkerazzi. Now, if you're a celebrity who does something stupid, might as well say the devil (i.e. pills, booze or Paris Hilton) made you do it.

I'm tired of reality TV shows, but I'd watch one called Extreme Celebrity Rehab, especially if the celebrities were forced to confront their anger-management issues. That means no personal assistants, publicists, agents or security people running interference. My dream contender? Naomi Campbell.

The testy supermodel has reportedly hit three personal assistants in the head with cell phones. Isn't it time one of them had the guts to smack her with a vaccum cleaner or a toaster oven? Same with Russell Crowe. You hit me with a phone, I hit you with a Humvee.

The field of contenders is endless. Consider a handful of recent cases:

• Last fall, Florida congressman Mark Foley was accused of sending sexually explicit e-mails to a Capitol Hill page. He resigned and immediately went into rehab for alcohol addiction. He never faced the media to answer questions.

• After rumors circulated that Miss USA Tara Conner was partying, Donald Trump said she could keep her crown if she sought treatment for her problems. A tearful Conner announced she was doing just that, and recently emerged to confirm that, yes, she had dabbled in cocaine use.

• Actress Lindsay Lohan's mother has given the media updates on how her daughter is doing in rehab. It started last year with a studio chief's memo blasting Lohan for missing days on the set because of her hard-partying lifestyle. The star finally admitted that she had a problem and needed help. As if we couldn't see that from her choice of movie roles.

• Just this week, British rock star Robbie Williams announced that he was going into rehab for prescription drug dependency. As long as he's on that side of the pond, he might want to give George Michael a lift.

• After confessing that he had been sleeping with his campaign manager's wife, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom recently signed up for alcohol rehab.

• Courtney Love has been in and out of rehab so many times most clinics have a revolving door named in her honor. She could host our reality show.

And the list goes on: Rush Limbaugh, Michael Jackson, Leif Garrett, Tom Sizemore, Winona Ryder, Darryl Strawberry, Charlie Sheen, Kelsey Grammer, David Crosby, Andy Dick, Robin Williams, Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, Robert Downey Jr.

No one begrudges a star his or her personal problems. They are human, after all. It's the calculated spectacle of it all that gets old. If you and I fall asleep in a stranger's house (Downey) or hurl an appliance, we go to jail. It's that simple.

Can we at least take comfort that many stars are rehabbing in surroundings to which the rest of us would like to become accustomed? Malibu has 27 miles of coastline and 26 licensed residential treatment facilities. The priciest of these runs $110,000 for 30 days.

Great for the stars, but not for our reality show. I say put them in a Tuff Shed in the middle of the Arizona desert. Two days of heat should do wonders for their rehabilitation - not to mention ratings.

New movies

• Breach: B

• Bridge to Terabithia: B

• Factory Girl: C

• Flannel Pajamas: B-

Recent movies

• Norbit: D+

• Hannibal Rising: D+

• The Bridge: B

• Hair High: B

Popular music

• Blue October, The Damnwells 6:30 p.m. today and Sunday, Ogden Theatre, 935 E. Colfax Ave. 303-830-2525

• Patty Larkin, Gabrielle Louise 8 p.m. today, Swallow Hill Music Hall, 71 E. Yale Ave. 303-777-1003

• Sparklehorse 8 p.m. today, Gothic Theatre, 3263 S. Broadway, Englewood. 303-788-0984

pearsonm@RockyMountainNews.com or 303-954-2592.

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